"Twilight" of Reason

( 0 Votes ) I never imagined that I would dignify the Twilight series with an article, but I can’t remain silent any longer. I’m sick to bloody tears of the over-obsessed drama-fest that is “The Twilight Sage.” I work with students, so I get to see their impressionable minds melt over statutory rape anticipation on a daily basis; meanwhile, they have little interest in the literary merits of Mark Twain or Harper Lee. My wife’s a fan of the series, so she’s not receptive. I’ve earned my right to vent a little.

Sure, Meyer does a decent job of hitting the idiosyncrasies of a teen in love. It’s really not necessary to cite details from the books. Anyone post high school age can reminiscent and appropriately cringe at the idiotic behavior brought on by crushes: the obsession, the drama, the ridiculous notion that the romance will last forever. True enough, it’s all there in Twilight. Nonetheless, I’m still unimpressed with Meyer’s “edgy” look into teen angst. I dated a few times in high school; it didn’t take. So I got myself an older college girl and married her a few years later. Admittedly, my inexperience within the hyper-emotional teen dating circuit could be curtailing my approval of the series. But I’m going to bitch anyways.

I’ll leave the Rowling-like, immature prose alone. Instead, I’ll stay focused on the heartthrobs. The protagonist, Bella, is a vapid seventeen-year-old with a disjointed family. You know the type - a gloomy but attractive girl that would never date the likes of you. It didn’t matter that you were too good for your Bella-equivalents; the real problem was that you weren’t good enough for anyone else. At the onset, Bella lacks a zest for life until she meets Edward, an equally gloomy but McDreamy-haired fellow with whom she becomes romantically infatuated. It didn’t matter a single iota that he happened to be a vampire. Since she can overlook such a quality as “undeadness,” it must be true love, right?

Not in my book of cognitive development. Notwithstanding adolescent absurdities, my beef lies more in the age discrepancy. Bella is 17; Edward is 100-ish. Regardless of how you splice it, the relationship is disgusting. It doesn’t matter if their physical development is equal to one another; that’s not the point. If it were, I could begin to understand why teachers try to get away with dating students. As it stands, it’s unlawful, and for pretty good reason. The mental capacity between a teenager and just a mid-twenties adult is staggering. Seriously, have any of you “older” people talked to a high school sophomore lately? Or observed a group of high school children interacting together? No, shake the imagery no doubt fueling your fantasies. Are those vicarious illusions gone? Good. Now, how in the hell could you date that?

Edward is 100! He has the observations and experiences of the past 100 years of human existence under his belt. Bella’s gearing up for her first prom, volleyball tournament, and AP English course. The thought of a relationship with a teenager makes me feel like I’ve been subjected to 2Girls1Cup with my eyes taped open. Don’t even think of asserting that in a hundred years, the age difference wouldn’t matter as much. Idiot.

My other grievance isn’t necessarily how “over-the-moon” in love this chick is. Teens in love; Yep, I got it. Rather, how Meyer treats the subject matter is a tad irresponsible. Sure, the characters reflect the intense emotions real teenagers feel when they’ve discovered their first “love.” But Bella is prepared to die for this kid (dirty old man?). Of course, if she doesn’t literally die, she’ll settle for being transformed into a vampire. Once again, I get it. Edward’s life experience restrains him from facilitating her bold desires (at first) because he knows how fragile and fleeting young love can be. But that sure as fuck doesn’t stop Bella from trying. Over and over again.

What kind of reckless message is this author trying to get across? It’s almost as if Meyer’s ninth grade English course read Romeo and Juliet, and she completely missed the point. Romeo and Juliet’s deaths weren’t portrayed as noble acts of love; those kids are just dead. Through a series of very rash decisions, they’re nothing but corpses by the end. That’s why it’s called a Shakespearean Tragedy; it is the opposite of a comedy.

Have others already thoroughly discussed my gripes? Am I late to the party? Well, eat me. I don’t hop on the fad train as soon as it starts whistling. Get a life and read something neither Oprah nor your fourteen-year-old neighbor recommended. Disagree with me? I haven’t read too far into the series, but Bella reportedly has a baby at age 18 or 19. Nice. Write your own mechanically sound article.

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